March 8, 2024

My grandma passed today. I feel a tinge of sadness, but the majority of my feelings are of guilt (for not feeling enough sadness). My most vivid memories of her are of when she would babysit my brother and I back when we still lived in chicago. My memory has never been very reliable, so I think these might be pretty distorted or (a word for when you imagine something to be prettier or better than it actually is), but i definitely look back on it fondly. It was a lot of rides on the subway and hanging out at mcdonalds.

my dad was on the way to airport but he’s heading home now. during my grandma’s final moments, co thao decided to pull the plug and make the call herself. there have been a lot of times where i’ve held a deep resentment for my aunt and my grandma and this isn’t one of those times, but I definitely do hold some degree of negative emotions whenever I think of them. that is how it is this time. I can definitely understand someone making that call because they couldn’t bear their mother being in anymore pain, but I like to think that i would have also empathized with my siblings and would have wanted them to see their mother for the last time. i can’t really believe that she took that from my dad.